did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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