Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
