I faked an abortion last night.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
