OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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