I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
