I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
