If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
smell my finger.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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