fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
