I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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