I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
