Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
