fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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