Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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