he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
