you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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