i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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