You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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