one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
