when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
