I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
