Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
