you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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