i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
