Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
