Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
