I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
