Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
