I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
