were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
