Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
