If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
