Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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