Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Be still, my beating vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
