My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
