U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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