he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
