I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I puked a lego.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
