I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She announced her abortion via fbk
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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