Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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