Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
