Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
