I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
