my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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