Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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