tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
