you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
