Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
