hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize