don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
