genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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