i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
