I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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