I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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