I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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