just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
