in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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