My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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