i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
sarcasm needs its own font
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
