i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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