it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
