I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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