so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
