i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
