You kept calling me your small dog last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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