i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Still dying that you shit outside
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
