Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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