I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
